What He REALLY Meant to Say at the State of the Union Speech
By Kathleen Wright (West Chester PA), 1/30/08

(also posted at Huffington Post)

I don’t know about you, but the only way I survived the State of the Union was by imagining what it would be like if George W. Bush said what he really meant rather than making bad ideas sound good by using generalities. Since Bush usually has so much trouble communicating, I thought I’d help out by making what he said clearer….

As Americans, we believe in the power of individuals to determine their destiny and shape the course of history…. I am cutting so many important programs, that you’re on your own, you rugged individualist, you!

In the long run, Americans can be confident about our economic growth…. After all, I am only around for a few more months.

[To Congress] I also asked you to stop slipping earmarks into committee reports that never even come to a vote…. Just who do you think you are? Republicans???

We share a common goal: making health care more affordable and accessible for all Americans…. Except by overriding my veto of health insurance for needy children. After all, sick kids can’t vote.

Six years ago, we came together to pass the No Child Left Behind Act, and today no one can deny its results…. Notice I didn’t specify what kind of results they are.

Last year, fourth and eighth graders achieved the highest math scores on record…. Or at least as far as we can tell by using “new math” to crunch the numbers.

Tonight the armies of compassion continue the march to a new day in the Gulf Coast. America honors the strength and resilience of the people of this region…. Resilience they are going to need, since the rest of the country has forgotten about this ongoing tragedy as quickly as we forgot about the issues of race and poverty that were discussed for about a week after Katrina. Hey! Is that Paris Hilton over there???

Every Member in this chamber knows that spending on entitlement programs like Social Security, Medicare, and Medicaid is growing faster than we can afford…. Damn you, old, sick people who just refuse to die, therefore saving us money!

Since September 11, we have taken the fight to these terrorists and extremists. We will stay on the offense, we will keep up the pressure, and we will deliver justice to the enemies of America… Except, of course, Osama bin Laden, who I let get away by not sending enough troops to do the job (sound familiar?).

And that is why, for the security of America and the peace of the world, we are spreading the hope of freedom…. One bomb at a time.

Today, because of the progress just described, we are implementing a policy of “return on success,” and the surge forces we sent to Iraq are beginning to come home…. After all, they’ll need to rest up before shipping off to Iran.

[About Iraq] Our objective in the coming year is to sustain and build on the gains we made in 2007, while transitioning to the next phase of our strategy…. Betcha didn’t think I even had something called a strategy.

Our message to the leaders of Iran is also clear: Verifiably suspend your nuclear enrichment, so negotiations can begin…. As part of these negotiations, I vow to learn to pronounce “nuclear.”

[To Iran] But above all, know this: America will confront those who threaten our troops, we will stand by our allies, and we will defend our vital interests in the Persian Gulf…. Stay away from my oil, bitch!

To protect America, we need to know who the terrorists are talking to, what they are saying, and what they are planning.… Although, it would probably help if we had more intelligence officials who spoke Arabic.

[To Congress, regarding warrantless wiretapping] This means that if you do not act by Friday, our ability to track terrorist threats would be weakened and our citizens will be in greater danger.… So I’m like TOTALLY going to blame you unpatriotic freedom-haters if there is another attack, whether or not I bother reading intelligence reports warning of an identifiable, imminent threat that people have the gall to bother me with while I am on vacation.

America is opposing genocide in Sudan… by telling the government there we think they are being really, REALLY not nice (but not, of course, doing anything about it).

As we increase funding, we must also reform our veterans system to meet the needs of a new war and a new generation…. By “new war,” I mean Iran. By “new generation,” I mean the generation not yet born that will still be mopping up after me.

Okay, okay! So watching the speech was still very depressing. But let’s all use it as a lesson to get involved in getting out the vote during all local and national elections so we never again have to watch the State of the Union with the angry passion of a football fanatic watching his/her team lose the Super Bowl.

How many more days left until the moving trucks pull up to the White House? Ugh!!!